Let’s see if we can change that by breaking down some of the most common lies kids tell that parents can’t help falling for. You might laugh at some of these, but there are bound to be one or two that make you realize, “Uh oh, I think they got me.” Always effective, and we always hope it’s true. But we know how this turns out: Mom and Dad are the primary caretakers of this poor animal. As every parent knows, report cards always seem to find a way to show up late. If only those schools could get their act together! If I can get that in writing, and have it notarized by a lawyer, I’ll totally believe you. Until then, I’ll be awaiting your next request. Yes, if by “books,” you actually mean “candy” or “toys.” Nobody says this unless they’ve been caught red-handed and don’t want to be take the rap alone. Odds are, whoever you’re ratting out didn’t start it—they’re just a co-conspirator. No actual sick person says this. If you’re feverish or nauseated, you don’t have time for indecisive pondering. You just want to be left alone to moan in the dark. Was Dad looking at his phone when he said that? Yeah, here’s the truth: Dad didn’t hear a word you said. It’s not the denial, it’s how the denial is said—with folded arms, a big frown, a furrowed brow, and an expression that practically screams, “I am so mad right now.” One thing we know for sure: Your most beloved gadget on earth is never, ever dead. You do realize that a “chaperone” means a grown-up and not just a friend, right? Nothing worse than getting stuck in midnight rush-hour gridlock. Oh wait, that doesn’t happen. Sorry, but they definitely ditched the celery for some chips out of the vending machine. Congratulations on being the first person under 18 to be confounded by how social media privacy settings work. Just hearing this one gives us chills. Oh sure, it’s entirely plausible that you wouldn’t have noticed the back bumper was dragging against the pavement, making a loud screeching noise, until the next day. We believe it was Albert Einstein who once said, “the dividing line between past, present, and future is an illusion.” In other words, you have no intention of turning off that video game in two minutes because time is meaningless—and also, we are not that naïve. No, we’re not laughing at you—we’re laughing at our past selves who thought this was a believable lie when we were teenagers.ae0fcc31ae342fd3a1346ebb1f342fcb …says the young person who literally just poured bacon grease down the kitchen drain. No, you didn’t. When you’re older and you’re juggling too many responsibilities and your brain is overloaded with stress, you can say, “I forgot.” As a kid, the best you can claim is, “Whatever you told me wasn’t as interesting as video games.” Unless your teacher is going on strike tomorrow, sorry, we’re having a hard time believing it. Uh-huh. You’re not fooling us, kiddo. Works for us. No way you’re hiding your phone under the blanket. But be forewarned, we have eyes everywhere. Sure you will. We’ll see about that tomorrow. Of course you were. As Mahatma Gandhi once said—we’re paraphrasing—“Be the change you wish to see in the world… with lots of shoving.” You know, buying all the candy is not considered an investment strategy. Oh, really? The library is playing more EDM in the background than we remember. We all know that, best case scenario, that sweater is going stay in your closet until it decomposes. Yes, we swear we didn’t hear it slam, too. So, you won’t mind if I give it a tug? How strange that it’s still rock solid, then. Hmm. OK, then explain why our neighbors called us to say that someone resembling you, driving a car resembling ours, was drag-racing down the street. We know you would rather be anywhere else with your friends—you don’t have spare our feelings. Funny how the cable company keeps making that same mistake to homes with young fans of pay-per-view wrestling. Such an inexplicable coincidence! Texting is not studying, sad to say. That gas tank always seems to be running on empty these days. Maybe that’s what you needed the $20 for! So weird! Especially when your phone always receives the texts from your friends! I’ve heard that our town was being terrorized by a bandit who breaks into homes just to cover bedrooms with toys and unmake beds. I can’t believe it happened to us! Hold on, I’ll call 9-1-1. Get back in there, we don’t believe you. I’m sure you are. And whatever I’m saying sounds to you like the mangled trumpet of a Charlie Brown parent. Zombie Death Carnival—remind me: is that a Disney release? Naturally, “studying your hardest” in this context means borrowing a better prepared friend’s flash cards and cracking open the textbook an hour before the exam. Ah, so mice made that fork-shaped hole in your sister’s birthday cake? Of course your friend’s parents let them stay up all night long! You don’t mind if we ask them, do you? Until we’ve been on the road for 15 minutes and there are no rest stops in sight, right? Clearly, it was my mistake not asking whose curfew you’d be home by. Sure, you’re not embarrassed by us—it’s just our clothes, friends, family photos, house, and the fact that we still say “I love you” when we drop you off at school. Well-rested kids are notorious for practically nodding off in their cereal. You must have had a lot of back-to-back free periods to spend the whole day playing Fortnite! Ah, that practiced apathy. Just a warning, though: If you really don’t care, we’re going to make those decisions about where to eat for dinner, what clothes you’re getting for school, and where you apply to college. What’s that sound? A change of tune, perhaps? Let’s work it out together.
